Psalms of a woman after God's own heart

if they knew

2010-02-03T01:23:00.001-05:00

I used to think, "Perhaps my family doesn't know how much it takes me into the depths of depression to have a messy house."

There is no "perhaps" to this now.

I realize there is NO WAY they realize it because if they did they would be wishing me dead. And I know my family doesn't want me to die.

I often wonder if there is any other woman who gets as upset as me when things are messy that they have sometimes prayed for God to take them straight to heaven when they gaze upon a mess. I mean, seriously, it sends me into a state of mind that is terrible. I just want to cover up my head and go back to sleep and not get out of bed, or I want to go to heaven and never see another pile of anything again.

Right now I have an overwhelming amount of work ahead of me. I was working so hard for our church launch that I had to let things at home go except for "essentials" and even sometimes those didn't get done. Right now I'm working through room by room to get things clean again. It feels like a huge obstacle in my path. I am excited about the church but dread waking up to this each day knowing that it's in front of me.

I am not even sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, it's just a little side one that I do once and again and I don't really care that anyone is reading it...this is just sort of cathartic for me to write it out. But if anyone IS reading it, please pray for me.

I got my bathroom cleaned for the first time in weeks tonight (finally at 1:19 am). It takes me over an hour to clean it properly the way it needs to be done. Now I will wake up to all of the other rooms tomorrow and no time to do them with work/church. It takes everything in me not to cry the whole way to work when I wake up to this mess.
If they knew, they would not contribute to the mess, and it would not be trivial. I know they care about me too much to do that...they just don't understand .

Today's goal

2009-09-04T10:11:00.000-04:00

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?" Isaiah 58:6

Desert

2009-09-01T21:10:00.003-04:00

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides...

This is my prayer in the fire
in weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare God is my victory
and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

This is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
the seed I've received I will sow

All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing...
I have a reason to worship...

I will bring praise...

2009-08-11T23:41:00.003-04:00

All of my life in
every season you are still God,
I have a reason to sing...
I have a reason to worship.

Sear

2009-05-10T17:59:00.001-04:00

sear

verb

1.	to burn or char the surface of: She seared the steak to seal in the juices.

2.	to mark with a branding iron.

3.	to burn or scorch injuriously or painfully: He seared his hand on a hot steam pipe.

4.	to make callous or unfeeling; harden: The hardship of her youth has seared her emotionally.

5.	to dry up or wither; parch.

When the soul is seared, it takes time to heal.

Sustain

2009-05-10T01:11:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week I was feeling weak and kind of concerned at how my body was reacting. When I woke up one morning, the Lord said, "read Isaiah 46 and Psalm 46". I had forgotten about anything that was in those chapters-- had no idea what I would find there. But when I opened to Isaiah, I was pleasantly surprised to find this:

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

See in the next below what I found when I read Psalms.

Promise

2009-05-08T01:16:00.002-04:00

"God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day."

Psalm 46:5

so excited

2009-01-31T01:59:00.003-05:00

i'm so excited i could just burst...but i won't, that would be gross.

can't wait for February 22. The secret will be out to many more people then about what YOU are doing!

God you are so good!!! I am amazed by you..........and how you love me.

A-may-zing!

2009-01-17T00:51:00.001-05:00

thanks Lord...thanks for doing what you just did for me...amazing.

just wondering

2009-01-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

peace

2009-01-08T19:55:00.001-05:00

I'm much better now, Jesus. Thank you. Thank you for your wonderful gift of PEACE.

Why

2008-12-30T21:39:00.003-05:00

do some things have to be so hard? Right this moment I feel like I could start crying and never stop.

Prayer, or no prayer...

Bible or no Bible...

Worship or no worship

it all comes down to a crying shame right now.

Just sayin'.

tired

2008-12-29T00:35:00.000-05:00

question

2008-12-27T19:00:00.000-05:00

priorities

2008-12-25T01:53:00.000-05:00

kudos

2008-12-23T22:52:00.001-05:00

i'll see you...

2008-12-12T11:43:00.000-05:00

huge news

2008-12-10T23:10:00.000-05:00

on days like today, seriously...it is.

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:11,12

frustrated

2008-12-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

thank you

2008-12-06T15:36:00.000-05:00

for showing up

your name

2008-11-30T19:29:00.003-05:00

Somebody was writing your name yesterday in the sky with an airplane. I had to take a picture. Even your name is strong...I remind myself of that often.

Jesus

2008-11-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

i'm back

2008-11-28T10:21:00.002-05:00

There are so many things I have on my heart to do since coming back from Africa. It's hard to have my heart in two different places. I want to make a difference there more than ever, while not diluting what I am trying to do to make a difference here. I'm sure you will help me sort all of this out. I know you have a plan.

Love you,

africa

2008-11-11T00:09:00.000-05:00

pentecostal

2008-11-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

song

2008-11-07T07:30:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite songs of all time...had it in my heart all week long...

Help me Lord to reach as many people as I can for Your glory...

all

2008-11-06T07:00:00.002-05:00

This is an excerpt from my Steams in the Desert devotional today:

"And it shall come to pass that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be delivered" (Joel 2:32).

Whosoever means me, for it means anybody and everybody who calls upon God. I will therefore follow the leading of the text, and at once call upon the glorious Lord who has made so large a promise. My case is urgent, and I do not see how I am to be delivered; but this is no business of mine. He who makes the promise will find ways and means of keeping it. It is mine to obey His commands; it is not mine to direct His counsels. I am His servant, not His solicitor. I call upon Him, and He will deliver. --C. H. Spurgeon

Deanna here again:

Yes, the case is urgent. But you are a covenant keeping God and you do the delivering. We are just expected to simply obey. Making that personal, I am expected to obey.

I will give all for you, Lord. All. Holding nothing back ~ surrendering absolutely all to you.

All means all. Just like it says. But that's so loaded. I don't think any of us really knows what we are saying when we say "all" until more things unfold that you require of us. But more and more I'm finding new ways to offer you my all. I never dreamed of what just might be required of us in the end times. It all seemed so far away before but now I sense your coming is so close at hand.

I am preparing myself for whatever you may ask of me.

I am Your servant. Be it unto me according to Your Word.

trust

2008-11-05T00:51:00.001-05:00

Thank you Jesus that you promised to be with us always even unto the end of the age.

I trust in you.

Watching?

2008-11-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

best friend

2008-11-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Queen? No... this is my version for you, Jesus...

Ooh, you make me live
Whatever your love can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooh, you make me live now Jesus
Ooh, you make me live
Oh, you're the best friend
That I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you (Ooh)
Oh, you're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live
Ooh, I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you (still come back to you)
In rain or shine
You've stood by me Lord
I'm happy at home (happy at home)
You're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you, to help me forgive - oo oo ooh
Ooh, you make me live now Jesus
Ooh, you make me live

Oh, you're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the thing
I really love the things that you do
Oh, you're my best friend

Oh, ooh, you make me live
I'm happy (happy at home)
You're my best friend
Oh, oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you make me live
Oo oo ooh
You, you're my best friend

whippin up

2008-10-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

encore

2008-10-25T00:54:00.001-04:00

Totally

2008-10-22T21:57:00.004-04:00

(Photo on one of my sunset walks in my neighborhood...)

I've heard it said that all cylinders of one's life can't run at once, especially in ministry.

Some say your family and the church can't run well at the same time.

Some say if your house is in order the church probably won't be, and vice versa.

If you're doing great financially, you will quite possibly deal with a healthy problem and vice versa.

In other words, people say there is no "perfect world" outside of heaven. But for once, just for once...even a day...I'd love for all the facets of my life to work together beautifully.

Right now the church is working beautifully. But every single thing in my life...no.

Sometimes I wish I could be pain free for just a day. I take things to heart so much that yes, I do feel pain many times. If I didn't love so much it wouldn't hurt so much.

Quiet me with your love right now Lord.

Just quiet me and let me hear your still small voice through the irritation.

Thank you for Zephaniah 3:17. I cling to it most days, on behalf of something. Many days it's a different thing than the previous day as my challenges are always trading off for another one.

Make them stop...even for a day?

Love you, my father... thank you for making me yours. I am totally free to be totally yours.

wanting to wake up again...

2008-10-22T01:11:00.004-04:00

(photo taken in our backyard)

Thanks for showing up in such a big way on Sunday. You didn't leave me...in fact you showed yourself strong not only to me but to everybody there.

Can't even describe how I'm feeling about everything but it's wonderful.

The joy has come back...

I'm biking again everyday and thanking you for every little and big thing. I'm thanking you for the day, for the sunsets, the breeze, my friends, my church, my everything. I'm just enthralled with what you are doing...who you are...

Thanks for an amazing week last week. I can't wait to see what you're going to do next and I'm so glad to be yours. All yours.

It's my joy to wake up in the mornings now...but I lay with my eyes shut for a few moments when I first awake just to say good morning and talk to you just like the old days (prior to three months ago) when I would do that everyday, all the time. For three months that disentegrated into a plea just to help me want to get out of bed and start my day at all. It was survival, that was all...

You've brought me from survive to thrive again.

God... you're so good!

stay right beside me

2008-10-19T06:00:00.000-04:00

dwelling

2008-10-16T11:26:00.003-04:00

Today the scripture that has come to my mind is Psalm 91. He that dwelleth...

Truly you have surrounded me in that secret place the past few months and brought me to a new and beautiful place.

Life is good.

I'll shout your fame and sing your praise forever.

Thank you for teaching me so much in the darkness...now in the light I'm a changed person, a richer person, a filled up person -- to shine to the world. I'll do it, I promise.

new thing

2008-10-15T01:10:00.002-04:00

Jesus...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You totally rock.

Isaiah 43:19 is what you spoke to me today:

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Mmmmm...that's what you're doing and it's so good.

I receive it.

burst

2008-10-14T01:40:00.004-04:00

I'm still basking in the glory of Sunday... you are so totally amazing and I can't wait to see what you have for us next.

I have so much to testify about...I am so filled up I'm about to burst... but I won't because that would be kind of gross.

I love you.

2008-10-12T23:58:00.001-04:00

Wow.

You outdid yourself today.

Totally.

It blows my mind that you are my perfect Father and I can actually ask you for more!

your thoughts

2008-10-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

details

2008-10-10T01:09:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a good day all around. Before I began work I did a devotional in Psalm 37. Verse 23 really stuck out to me: "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." I've always believed, "if it matters to you it matters to Him." Nothing is too big or small to you. I really believe you not only care about the large decisions of my life but you care about small things I'm concerned about or small things that bring me joy.

I was blessed by reading and meditating on Psalm 37 and then worshipping at the piano before starting my day. The day unfolded with lots of things to get ready for Friends Day on Sunday ~ a busy but a productive and good day.

I found it interesting that someone called me in the course of my work day and they needed to talk about their problems and get some advice and as they shared with me they said, "I feel kind of guilty to even call you or talk about this...I know my problems are small compared to what others in the world are going through, and I shouldn't be complaining." I promptly quoted Psalm 37:23 to them! "He delights in every detail of their lives." THANK YOU for caring so much for us, despite the fact that someone in the world can always be found that has it worse than any of us do in various circumstances. You aren't put off by us talking about it, venting or being concerned. You are more concerned about us than we are about ourselves and are always there to remind of that if we'll take the time.

There are several details I'm concerned about right now but refusing to worry. I am praying a lot more about them, though. One concerns one of my children. They need your touch right now oh God. Clear away the confusion. Strengthen them. Bring all things together for your glory.

laugh

2008-10-09T01:02:00.000-04:00

Nancy Seelow just sent this to me as a declaration...

It's on the horizon...thank you Jesus!

anxiety

2008-10-08T00:56:00.007-04:00

Photo I took at Clearwater this summer...

"Do not begin to be anxious..." (Phil. 4:6, PBV)

The other day I was in deep thought contemplating what ultimately happens to me in situations that have made me anxious throughout life. I can't remember where I heard it but someone told me that if something won't matter in ten years it can't be that important -- so be especially vigilant about not allowing those things to stress you out.

So as I was contemplating situations that have caused me anxiety, I thought to myself, "what was it that stressed me out the most ten years ago?" As I recalled specific situations at that time I came to realize that absolutely none of what I had such angst about affects me at all today, in any way shape or form. What a waste of my energy back then!

I've learned that an important part of life is DOING BETTER once you KNOW BETTER.

I know better now.

Thank you Jesus, for helping me to think about the future with every decision I make, whether it is refusing to be anxious or determining to get excited about whatever it is you're calling me to do. I know that getting anxious is an indication that I don't trust you. I know that you are infallible...you are worthy of trust. Thank you for taking care of me.

streets of heaven

2008-10-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

I think every pastor's wife needs one of these on the streets of gold in heaven. Whatdayya think, Jesus?

strategic word

2008-10-06T11:19:00.001-04:00

It wasn't really a fortune cookies, but it was a word from you, in 2007 and almost immediately it unfolded and became reality in my life.

There's nothing like getting a word from you! You told me to rest in you ~ rest in what you were telling me ~ obey ~ and in refusing to even consider other things and surrender to you, you'd take me to the nations from my laptop. In less than a year after I made the decision to fully obey that word, I was speaking to my precious ladies from Africa for the first time! My life was changed forever, that's for sure.

Lord, this Africa trip is coming up really quick. I need your insight, your wisdom, your power, to just flood me over the next four weeks to get your mind on what you want the ladies to hear this year. There is a great burden for me to "get it right"...these ladies are so in need of a touch from you, and I can't afford to miss you on this...

Thank you for your help. I'm sunk without you.

church

2008-10-05T22:18:00.000-04:00

so good

2008-10-04T23:21:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all you did in and for me over the weekend at the conference in Orlando.

You're so good, You're so good, You're so good...

Jesus You're so good...

I'm gonna say it again...

You're so good, Youre so good, You're so good, Jesus You're so good.

lions

2008-10-03T09:25:00.004-04:00

I have longed for more time the past few days to get into the Word for myself – not to preach, not to prepare for worship, but simply to “be”. The past week has been busy and while I like being busy I don’t like being overwhelmingly busy. I can’t wait for Monday if for nothing else than to have quiet time with you, which is the greatest blessing.

On my way to Lakeland yesterday (where I was meeting with Joy to go to Orlando) despite the talk radio that Larry had on, I was able to block everything else out in my mind and read some in the Word, read Streams in the Desert and spend a little time in reflection as I looked out the window going down the highway.

I was reading in I Samuel 17 about David facing Goliath and in verses 34-37 it talks about him killing the lion and bear in preparation to face his giant, Goliath. I am reminded that we have to face various obstacles along the way to our destiny in order to prepare us. David had a great destiny before him in not only becoming the greatest worship leader/psalmist who ever lived, but also a King and a man after God’s own heart.

The interesting thing is, what was David defeating a lion and bear for? It wasn’t for nothing. He wasn’t sadistic, he certainly wasn’t killing to kill…there was a purpose. The lion and bear were coming in to steal a lamb from his father’s flock. He had to protect the flock. And so he destroyed the lion and the bear.

There are times even today in 2008 I find myself having to take care of bears and lions. They aren’t just irritations to me but they are direct threats to the flock. They must be defeated so that the flock can not only be protected from harm but so that they can flourish and grow.

While defeating wild animals from destroying the flock I not only get tired but I think sometimes that I may die in the process. In verse 37 David said, “The Lord who saved me from the claws of the lion and the bear will save me from this Philistine!” Obviously it was a serious thing when David had to defeat the wild animal and escape their “claws”. Without God he couldn’t have done it and I’m sure he might have had a few moments of fear before the deliverance of the Lord was complete in the matter.

In retrospect I realize that the defeat of the wild animals became just the opportunity that David needed to be prepared for his ultimate destiny. Were he to not gain Godly confidence, courage and faith through defeating those animals he would have never been ready to face his giant. If he quit, he would have ultimately missed the plan of God and would never have been able to become King.I’m realizing that lions and bears are necessary to propel me into the next level that God has for me. Thank you for helping me to defeat them. Day by day I am experiencing victories and I can sense it, I can taste it, I can smell it in the air...victory is at hand!

how can i keep from singing? answer: i can't.

2008-09-29T00:42:00.003-04:00

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give
I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne.

What an awesome day you gave us yesterday. Four people came to know you in service right at the beginning. There's nothing that tops a day like that.

It's why we do what we do!

Worship was awesome. We had so much to be thankful for. God, you're so good.

reminder

2008-09-28T00:46:00.000-04:00

heaven

2008-09-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

fun friday gratitude

2008-09-26T00:38:00.000-04:00

hello i love you won't you tell me your name?

2008-09-25T10:31:00.001-04:00

Wonderful

Counselor

Mighty God

Everlasting father

Prince of peace.

Just need to be reminded.

That's who you are in my life...today...everyday.

Thank you for being a strong tower I can run into, where I'm safe.

I love you.

is it even possible?

2008-09-24T07:39:00.001-04:00

"I love God. It's His so called followers I have a hard time with."

If I've heard this once I've heard it a thousand times. And yes, I've often felt that way myself.

God, I don't know what the answer to this one is. When I tell people about you or I am trying to woo prodigals back to you, all I know is, this is the main thing that gets in the way most times.

What do I say to a person like this who I...agree with many times? If they catch me on a really bad day sometimes I wanna say, "you're absolutely right...so let's just forget about this whole thing we call "the church" and go out and love Jesus on our own."

There are periods of time where the only real pure connection I have with you without having to get beyond a bunch of stuff, is while I'm on my bike, walking, or laying in my bed. I don't have to wade through a bunch of doo-doo in order to get to you and see you clearly. I think, "if only it were always this simple..." but it's not and you have specifically told us, we do need each other and we do need the church. Why does the church often make it so hard for people to get to you? I'll never understand it.

So I know that being a part of your family in a true sense is right, not just for others but for me too. But there are many days I can't help but agree (inside my head) with the unbelievers or ex-believers who talk to me.

I've always been one who wants to change the world. What's so hard about this issue is that I don't know if it's possible in a sense of sweeping change. I don't know that millions of your followers aren't always going to screw up no matter how much people passionately implore them not to, and make millions of people want nothing to do with you. Could one person really bring about that kind of change? Could even 100 people really ever make a dent in it? I don't know.

I'm trying to be one individual who makes a difference but it feels like a mountain that is impossible to move, and many days I feel dumb for trying. I know I'm not alone. I am not the Psalmist in scripture saying, "help Lord, for the godly are no more..." I know there are many Godly people. Our problem in Christianity is that there are just as many in the church who aren't. Sometimes the Godly truly are at the very least outnumbered. Is it unrealistic thinking that we can actually make a difference and convince people that despite the pathetic actions of a large majority of the body of Christ, this journey of community is still worth it? We know YOU'RE worth it, but is community worth it? That is the nagging question.

if you could just give me a sign...

2008-09-23T07:00:00.000-04:00

really, can't you make it a little easier?

psalm 63

2008-09-22T17:00:00.000-04:00

Tara posted this on her blog yesterday. It's from the Message Bible translation and it ministered to me so much.

Psalm 63
A David Psalm, When He Was out in the Judean Wilderness
1 God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you! I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,traveling across dry and weary deserts.
2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains. I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you.
5-8 I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy; I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises! If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Because you've always stood up for me, I'm free to run and play. I hold on to you for dear life,and you hold me steady as a post.

9-11 Those who are out to get me are marked for doom, marked for death, bound for hell. They'll die violent deaths; jackals will tear them limb from limb. But the king is glad in God; his true friends spread the joy, While small-minded gossips are gagged for good."

So Lord, I figure as with all of your word, we can stand on this...

claim it...

believe it...

settle our hearts on it...

thank you in advance now for breakthrough...

so should I start now start preparing for prime rib and gravy?

thanks jesus

2008-09-22T06:00:00.001-04:00

Take us

2008-09-21T06:01:00.000-04:00

Listening right now...to Rita Springer...preparing for church ~

All I need to do is worship
All I need to do is say His name out loud
All I need to do is lift my hands, surrender and bow down
All I need to do is find Him
All I need to do is let His presence fall
All I need to do is worship...worship the Lord

I'm counting on it. I know if I can just get in your presence, and if I can just get the people there, anything is possible.

"He took Peter and John and James, and went up into a mountain to pray, and as he prayed, the fashion of his countenance was altered, and his raiment was white and glistering... they saw his glory" (Luke 9:29, 32).

"If I have found grace in thy sight, show me thy glory" (Exod. 33:13).

Take us Lord, take us to the mountain and show us your glory. I've had enough of the valley for a while and truly it is time for us to stand on your mountain and declare your glory.

i'm still in if you are

2008-09-20T00:02:00.000-04:00

diamond girl...you sure do shine

2008-09-19T00:20:00.012-04:00

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
~ Peter Marshall

You're reminding me

in many different ways

I'm becoming an oak

I'm becoming a diamond

How exciting to be chosen. Everything is about focus, isn't it?

Larry always prays, "God do something so big in my life that everyone will have no doubt that it's you. I'm learning that sometimes you have to get us to a place of desperation so that when you do the miracle, it will be undeniable that your hand is on us...unmistakable that it is your touch that has made the way.

p.s. please keep your hand on that "lamb" I mentioned the other night that I'm concerned about. They are wandering. And there is nothing more I can do. Lord, my eyes are completely on you. It really doesn't get any easier to see them go astray, does it? How do you do it? Um, yeah...that's right...you're God. But you still cry...

performing nightly

2008-09-18T07:42:00.000-04:00

Thanks for your help. Couldn't do it without you.

Sheep

2008-09-17T01:49:00.003-04:00

Does worrying about sheep ever stop? Okay...not worry. I'll call it, "concern". Worry is a sin. Concern is spiritual...right?

I know I'm not supposed to worry but I do get overly concerned about certain sheep.

A shepherd's job is not 9-5, and we don't clock in and clock out. Yeah, we get a weekly "day off" aside from emergencies, but really, we are still on at a moment's notice and the shepherd's heart never just goes away. It's not the type of thing you can turn on and off, and really, would you want to? Well, I guess some do and that is what separates the shepherds from the hirelings.

Lord, you know there's there's one sheep, well actually I'd call them a lamb...and I am really concerned about them. I'm forever trying to corral them back in the pen, back into the light of your truth and away from the darkness that beckons them all the time. I don't know why they keep going back to that filth. They have so much going for them but they just can't see it. Every time they come back a total mess, I have to gently help them clean off all the junk they've been rolling around in. It does get tiring however I care so much about them, I'd go just about anywhere to rescue them and each time they are getting cleaned up, I'm just glad they are back in the fold, and I breathe a sigh of relief and pray it's the last time.

I have a disconcerting feeling right now that this time won't be the last time...but I want to believe. Right now I am believing that you, the great shepherd can speak to them, get ahold of them and give them an unforgettable revelation of your everlasting love. I love them so much...but it's nothing compared to your incredible love.

Please Lord, just give this lamb a glimpse of their destiny. Let them see the potential that I see. More than that, let them see themself the way you see them. I know once they get a taste of that, they will never be the same.

Thank you, Jesus. (I'm counting on you...)

tired

2008-09-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

God,

Do you get weary of cleaning up your family's messes too?

How do you cope with it? Do you just tell yourself that you're God?

(That won't work for me. I tried it back in 1989...didn't go over so well.)

you need to remind me

2008-09-15T10:33:00.000-04:00

of who I am because I keep forgetting.

wouldn't wanna do it without you

2008-09-14T15:42:00.000-04:00

i eat pit bull for lunch

2008-09-13T17:30:00.005-04:00

I have experienced something very dynamic this afternoon. A revelation from you -- huge revelation, and then a Holy Ghost filled prayer time that I truly believe shook the gates of hell and made the enemy want to puke.

I got mad. And that was all it took. Maybe that's what you were waiting for? Seriously, is that all you have been waiting for? If it's true than I feel really stupid and will make a note of it for next time.

Today I talked to a few of my spiritual children as well as a pastor friend or two. I just became fed up with what the enemy has put on some of God's children. And something rose up within me.

I read a story once of a mother who was pushing a baby in a stroller and all of a sudden a pit bull ran up and started growling at the baby and was going to attack it. Two men in the distance saw it but were not up close enough to do anything in time. One said to the other, "what do you think is going to happen?" The one said to the other, "I feel sorry for that pit bull."

When a Momma gets mad, look out.

This Momma got mad today. It was nothing with my natural children -- they're fine for this moment. It was my spiritual children. I realize some of them are under severe pressure and the enemy thought he had his way but he underestimated this mother.

What a rich time we had today, you and me, God. You know all about it but I wanted to journal it here so I could look back and remember and say, "that was the day!" I need to remember - September 13, 2008. This is really a significant day in my life.

I called a few people, spoke a strategic word into their life, and called down strongholds right there on the phone. I felt the power of God in such a strong way. Then I got off the phone, and started singing, shouting (my house was empty although they wouldn't think I was crazy...I'm known for stuff like this...they probably wouldn't blink.) I began singing, "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, they are mighty through the Holy Ghost" and making declarations over people's lives and then you directed me to get out the church directory and call every single name in prayer, cover them with the blood of Jesus and cancel every assignment against them. Then I went on to take out our declaration for 2008 and I pulled it off of the refigerator and shouted it in the enemy's face. And standing there in my kitchen I rebuked the devourer and I shouted, "YOU HAVE MADE THIS MOTHER ANGRY, AND YOU NEED TO BE SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I just went through my house singing, shouting and praising God until I felt a breakthrough in the spirit.

You know what I think I just realized (don't know why I forgot it - other than the fact that the enemy WANTS me to forget it) but the devil wants the spiritual father and mother of the church to be spiritually incapacitated because he knows when they get mad and start to war on behalf of their children he's in serious trouble.

What's the difference between a spiritual mother and a pit bull? One's alive and one's in the frying pan getting ready to be eaten for lunch.

Idiot satan (I don't ever give you the satisfaction of capitalizing your name), I cancel every single one of your lame assignments against my children both natural and spiritual and call them null and void. I loose the power of God into every one of them and their situations, and call forth their destinies unhindered! I cancel every single one of your evil assignments against pastors, pastor's wives, and churches. I send you back to hell where you came from, and every one of your machinations are exposed now, in Jesus name. David prayed, "Let God arise, let His enemies be scattered"! And so I pray, "Let God arise, let His enemies absolutely be eaten for lunch." (Put some Sonny's Sizzlin' Sweet BBQ on mine so I can enjoy it even more....thank you very much.)

i'm just a cling on

2008-09-13T00:10:00.000-04:00

Walking through the darkness of the past few months, I've felt closer to you than ever. In the natural, when we are walking in darkness and we have someone with us, we typically hold on to them or use them to help us find our way. As a kid when I was in Missionettes, we would have sleepovers at the church. In the middle of the night we would be walking through the dark hallways and classrooms, scared out of our minds, and I remember holding on tightly to friends, saying, 'don't leave me' and vice versa.

Sometimes I still feel like that girl wandering through the hallways of the church only I'm grown up now or at least I'm trying to. I'm finding that now with you, I'm still walking through darkness at times but it's different. In contrast to others, you don't stumble. When I cling to you, I don't fall, I just get scared of the uncertainty of the dark. I'm trying not to let it get to me so much anymore...all the dang uncertainty.

I don't know how to do it on my own, that whole ridding myself of anxiety thing. In fact, I've given up trying to do it on my own. I know it's a thing that only comes through your grace and power. And sometimes I'm ashamed to say it but I need a friend to talk me into it. Thanks for not giving up on me when I'm still that immature.

I was reading the blog of a pastor friend, David, the other day and he had a post about being free and forgetting about all our securities and comforts and realizing they never meant anything anyway. I never quite thought about it the way he put it, but it's really true. All along there has really been nothing sure but you anyway -- I just had an illusion that there were sure things.

I'm clinging on, so please just keep holding me tight.

frequent question

2008-09-11T19:09:00.001-04:00