if they knew

I used to think, "Perhaps my family doesn't know how much it takes me into the depths of depression to have a messy house."

There is  no "perhaps" to this now.

I realize there is NO WAY they realize it because if they did they would be wishing me dead.  And I know my family doesn't want me to die.

I often wonder if there is any other woman who gets as upset as me when things are messy that they have sometimes prayed for God to take them straight to heaven when they gaze upon a mess.  I mean, seriously, it sends me into a state of mind that is terrible.  I just want to cover up my head and go back to sleep and not get out of bed, or I want to go to heaven and never see another pile of anything again.

 Right now I have an overwhelming amount of work ahead of me.  I was working so hard for our church launch that I had to let things at home go except for "essentials" and even sometimes those didn't get done.  Right now I'm working through room by room to get things clean again.  It feels like a huge obstacle in my path.  I am excited about the church but dread waking up to this each day knowing that it's in front of me.  

I am not even sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, it's just a little side one that I do once and again and I don't really care that anyone is reading it...this is just sort of cathartic for me to write it out.  But if anyone IS reading it, please pray for me. 

I got my bathroom cleaned for the first time in weeks tonight (finally at 1:19 am).  It takes me over an hour to clean it properly the way it needs to be done.  Now I will wake up to all of the other rooms tomorrow and no time to do them with work/church.    It takes everything in me not to cry the whole way to work when I wake up to this mess. 
If they knew, they would not contribute to the mess, and it would  not be trivial.  I know they care about me too much to do that...they just don't understand .

Today's goal

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?" Isaiah 58:6

Desert

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides...

This is my prayer in the fire
in weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare God is my victory
and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

This is my prayer in the harvest
when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
the seed I've received I will sow

All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing...
I have a reason to worship...

I will bring praise...

All of my life in
every season you are still God,
I have a reason to sing...
I have a reason to worship.

Sear

sear

verb

1.	to burn or char the surface of: She seared the steak to seal in the juices.

2.	to mark with a branding iron.

3.	to burn or scorch injuriously or painfully: He seared his hand on a hot steam pipe.

4.	to make callous or unfeeling; harden: The hardship of her youth has seared her emotionally.

5.	to dry up or wither; parch.

When the soul is seared, it takes time to heal.

Sustain

Earlier this week I was feeling weak and kind of concerned at how my body was reacting. When I woke up one morning, the Lord said, "read Isaiah 46 and Psalm 46". I had forgotten about anything that was in those chapters-- had no idea what I would find there. But when I opened to Isaiah, I was pleasantly surprised to find this:

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

See in the next below what I found when I read Psalms.

Promise

"God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day."

Psalm 46:5