Wednesday, February 3, 2010

if they knew

I used to think, "Perhaps my family doesn't know how much it takes me into the depths of depression to have a messy house."

There is  no "perhaps" to this now.

I realize there is NO WAY they realize it because if they did they would be wishing me dead.  And I know my family doesn't want me to die.

I often wonder if there is any other woman who gets as upset as me when things are messy that they have sometimes prayed for God to take them straight to heaven when they gaze upon a mess.  I mean, seriously, it sends me into a state of mind that is terrible.  I just want to cover up my head and go back to sleep and not get out of bed, or I want to go to heaven and never see another pile of anything again.

 Right now I have an overwhelming amount of work ahead of me.  I was working so hard for our church launch that I had to let things at home go except for "essentials" and even sometimes those didn't get done.  Right now I'm working through room by room to get things clean again.  It feels like a huge obstacle in my path.  I am excited about the church but dread waking up to this each day knowing that it's in front of me.  

I am not even sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, it's just a little side one that I do once and again and I don't really care that anyone is reading it...this is just sort of cathartic for me to write it out.  But if anyone IS reading it, please pray for me. 

I got my bathroom cleaned for the first time in weeks tonight (finally at 1:19 am).  It takes me over an hour to clean it properly the way it needs to be done.  Now I will wake up to all of the other rooms tomorrow and no time to do them with work/church.    It takes everything in me not to cry the whole way to work when I wake up to this mess. 
If they knew, they would not contribute to the mess, and it would  not be trivial.  I know they care about me too much to do that...they just don't understand .