Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Why

do some things have to be so hard? Right this moment I feel like I could start crying and never stop.

Prayer, or no prayer...

Bible or no Bible...

Worship or no worship

it all comes down to a crying shame right now.

Just sayin'.

Monday, December 29, 2008

tired



Saturday, December 27, 2008

question



Thursday, December 25, 2008

priorities



Tuesday, December 23, 2008

kudos



Friday, December 12, 2008

i'll see you...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

huge news

ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

on days like today, seriously...it is.

"If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:11,12

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

frustrated




Saturday, December 6, 2008

thank you

for showing up

Sunday, November 30, 2008

your name


Somebody was writing your name yesterday in the sky with an airplane. I had to take a picture. Even your name is strong...I remind myself of that often.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Jesus


Friday, November 28, 2008

i'm back

There are so many things I have on my heart to do since coming back from Africa. It's hard to have my heart in two different places. I want to make a difference there more than ever, while not diluting what I am trying to do to make a difference here. I'm sure you will help me sort all of this out. I know you have a plan.

Love you,

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

africa


Saturday, November 8, 2008

pentecostal



Friday, November 7, 2008

song

One of my favorite songs of all time...had it in my heart all week long...

Help me Lord to reach as many people as I can for Your glory...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

all


This is an excerpt from my Steams in the Desert devotional today:

"And it shall come to pass that whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be delivered" (Joel 2:32).

Whosoever means me, for it means anybody and everybody who calls upon God. I will therefore follow the leading of the text, and at once call upon the glorious Lord who has made so large a promise. My case is urgent, and I do not see how I am to be delivered; but this is no business of mine. He who makes the promise will find ways and means of keeping it. It is mine to obey His commands; it is not mine to direct His counsels. I am His servant, not His solicitor. I call upon Him, and He will deliver. --C. H. Spurgeon

Deanna here again:

Yes, the case is urgent. But you are a covenant keeping God and you do the delivering. We are just expected to simply obey. Making that personal, I am expected to obey.

I will give all for you, Lord. All. Holding nothing back ~ surrendering absolutely all to you.

All means all. Just like it says. But that's so loaded. I don't think any of us really knows what we are saying when we say "all" until more things unfold that you require of us. But more and more I'm finding new ways to offer you my all. I never dreamed of what just might be required of us in the end times. It all seemed so far away before but now I sense your coming is so close at hand.

I am preparing myself for whatever you may ask of me.

I am Your servant. Be it unto me according to Your Word.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

trust

Thank you Jesus that you promised to be with us always even unto the end of the age.

I trust in you.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Watching?






Saturday, November 1, 2008

best friend

Queen? No... this is my version for you, Jesus...

Ooh, you make me live
Whatever your love can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooh, you make me live now Jesus
Ooh, you make me live
Oh, you're the best friend
That I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you (Ooh)
Oh, you're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live
Ooh, I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you (still come back to you)
In rain or shine
You've stood by me Lord
I'm happy at home (happy at home)
You're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you, to help me forgive - oo oo ooh
Ooh, you make me live now Jesus
Ooh, you make me live

Oh, you're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the thing
I really love the things that you do
Oh, you're my best friend

Oh, ooh, you make me live
I'm happy (happy at home)
You're my best friend
Oh, oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you make me live
Oo oo ooh
You, you're my best friend

Monday, October 27, 2008

whippin up



Saturday, October 25, 2008

encore



Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Totally

(Photo on one of my sunset walks in my neighborhood...)


I've heard it said that all cylinders of one's life can't run at once, especially in ministry.

Some say your family and the church can't run well at the same time.

Some say if your house is in order the church probably won't be, and vice versa.

If you're doing great financially, you will quite possibly deal with a healthy problem and vice versa.

In other words, people say there is no "perfect world" outside of heaven. But for once, just for once...even a day...I'd love for all the facets of my life to work together beautifully.

Right now the church is working beautifully. But every single thing in my life...no.

Sometimes I wish I could be pain free for just a day. I take things to heart so much that yes, I do feel pain many times. If I didn't love so much it wouldn't hurt so much.

Quiet me with your love right now Lord.

Just quiet me and let me hear your still small voice through the irritation.

Thank you for Zephaniah 3:17. I cling to it most days, on behalf of something. Many days it's a different thing than the previous day as my challenges are always trading off for another one.

Make them stop...even for a day?

Love you, my father... thank you for making me yours. I am totally free to be totally yours.

wanting to wake up again...

(photo taken in our backyard)


Thanks for showing up in such a big way on Sunday. You didn't leave me...in fact you showed yourself strong not only to me but to everybody there.

Can't even describe how I'm feeling about everything but it's wonderful.

The joy has come back...

I'm biking again everyday and thanking you for every little and big thing. I'm thanking you for the day, for the sunsets, the breeze, my friends, my church, my everything. I'm just enthralled with what you are doing...who you are...

Thanks for an amazing week last week. I can't wait to see what you're going to do next and I'm so glad to be yours. All yours.

It's my joy to wake up in the mornings now...but I lay with my eyes shut for a few moments when I first awake just to say good morning and talk to you just like the old days (prior to three months ago) when I would do that everyday, all the time. For three months that disentegrated into a plea just to help me want to get out of bed and start my day at all. It was survival, that was all...

You've brought me from survive to thrive again.

God... you're so good!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

stay right beside me




Thursday, October 16, 2008

dwelling

Today the scripture that has come to my mind is Psalm 91. He that dwelleth...

Truly you have surrounded me in that secret place the past few months and brought me to a new and beautiful place.

Life is good.

I'll shout your fame and sing your praise forever.

Thank you for teaching me so much in the darkness...now in the light I'm a changed person, a richer person, a filled up person -- to shine to the world. I'll do it, I promise.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

new thing

Jesus...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You totally rock.

Isaiah 43:19 is what you spoke to me today:

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Mmmmm...that's what you're doing and it's so good.

I receive it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

burst

I'm still basking in the glory of Sunday... you are so totally amazing and I can't wait to see what you have for us next.

I have so much to testify about...I am so filled up I'm about to burst... but I won't because that would be kind of gross.

I love you.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

more

Wow.

You outdid yourself today.

Totally.

It blows my mind that you are my perfect Father and I can actually ask you for more!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

your thoughts



Friday, October 10, 2008

details


Yesterday was a good day all around. Before I began work I did a devotional in Psalm 37. Verse 23 really stuck out to me: "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." I've always believed, "if it matters to you it matters to Him." Nothing is too big or small to you. I really believe you not only care about the large decisions of my life but you care about small things I'm concerned about or small things that bring me joy.

I was blessed by reading and meditating on Psalm 37 and then worshipping at the piano before starting my day. The day unfolded with lots of things to get ready for Friends Day on Sunday ~ a busy but a productive and good day.

I found it interesting that someone called me in the course of my work day and they needed to talk about their problems and get some advice and as they shared with me they said, "I feel kind of guilty to even call you or talk about this...I know my problems are small compared to what others in the world are going through, and I shouldn't be complaining." I promptly quoted Psalm 37:23 to them! "He delights in every detail of their lives." THANK YOU for caring so much for us, despite the fact that someone in the world can always be found that has it worse than any of us do in various circumstances. You aren't put off by us talking about it, venting or being concerned. You are more concerned about us than we are about ourselves and are always there to remind of that if we'll take the time.

There are several details I'm concerned about right now but refusing to worry. I am praying a lot more about them, though. One concerns one of my children. They need your touch right now oh God. Clear away the confusion. Strengthen them. Bring all things together for your glory.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

laugh


Nancy Seelow just sent this to me as a declaration...

It's on the horizon...thank you Jesus!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

anxiety

Photo I took at Clearwater this summer...

"Do not begin to be anxious..." (Phil. 4:6, PBV)

The other day I was in deep thought contemplating what ultimately happens to me in situations that have made me anxious throughout life. I can't remember where I heard it but someone told me that if something won't matter in ten years it can't be that important -- so be especially vigilant about not allowing those things to stress you out.

So as I was contemplating situations that have caused me anxiety, I thought to myself, "what was it that stressed me out the most ten years ago?" As I recalled specific situations at that time I came to realize that absolutely none of what I had such angst about affects me at all today, in any way shape or form. What a waste of my energy back then!

I've learned that an important part of life is DOING BETTER once you KNOW BETTER.

I know better now.

Thank you Jesus, for helping me to think about the future with every decision I make, whether it is refusing to be anxious or determining to get excited about whatever it is you're calling me to do. I know that getting anxious is an indication that I don't trust you. I know that you are infallible...you are worthy of trust. Thank you for taking care of me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

streets of heaven

I think every pastor's wife needs one of these on the streets of gold in heaven. Whatdayya think, Jesus?

Monday, October 6, 2008

strategic word


It wasn't really a fortune cookies, but it was a word from you, in 2007 and almost immediately it unfolded and became reality in my life.

There's nothing like getting a word from you! You told me to rest in you ~ rest in what you were telling me ~ obey ~ and in refusing to even consider other things and surrender to you, you'd take me to the nations from my laptop. In less than a year after I made the decision to fully obey that word, I was speaking to my precious ladies from Africa for the first time! My life was changed forever, that's for sure.

Lord, this Africa trip is coming up really quick. I need your insight, your wisdom, your power, to just flood me over the next four weeks to get your mind on what you want the ladies to hear this year. There is a great burden for me to "get it right"...these ladies are so in need of a touch from you, and I can't afford to miss you on this...

Thank you for your help. I'm sunk without you.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

church


Saturday, October 4, 2008

so good

Thanks for all you did in and for me over the weekend at the conference in Orlando.

You're so good, You're so good, You're so good...

Jesus You're so good...

I'm gonna say it again...

You're so good, Youre so good, You're so good, Jesus You're so good.

Friday, October 3, 2008

lions


I have longed for more time the past few days to get into the Word for myself – not to preach, not to prepare for worship, but simply to “be”. The past week has been busy and while I like being busy I don’t like being overwhelmingly busy. I can’t wait for Monday if for nothing else than to have quiet time with you, which is the greatest blessing.

On my way to Lakeland yesterday (where I was meeting with Joy to go to Orlando) despite the talk radio that Larry had on, I was able to block everything else out in my mind and read some in the Word, read Streams in the Desert and spend a little time in reflection as I looked out the window going down the highway.

I was reading in I Samuel 17 about David facing Goliath and in verses 34-37 it talks about him killing the lion and bear in preparation to face his giant, Goliath. I am reminded that we have to face various obstacles along the way to our destiny in order to prepare us. David had a great destiny before him in not only becoming the greatest worship leader/psalmist who ever lived, but also a King and a man after God’s own heart.

The interesting thing is, what was David defeating a lion and bear for? It wasn’t for nothing. He wasn’t sadistic, he certainly wasn’t killing to kill…there was a purpose. The lion and bear were coming in to steal a lamb from his father’s flock. He had to protect the flock. And so he destroyed the lion and the bear.

There are times even today in 2008 I find myself having to take care of bears and lions. They aren’t just irritations to me but they are direct threats to the flock. They must be defeated so that the flock can not only be protected from harm but so that they can flourish and grow.

While defeating wild animals from destroying the flock I not only get tired but I think sometimes that I may die in the process. In verse 37 David said, “The Lord who saved me from the claws of the lion and the bear will save me from this Philistine!” Obviously it was a serious thing when David had to defeat the wild animal and escape their “claws”. Without God he couldn’t have done it and I’m sure he might have had a few moments of fear before the deliverance of the Lord was complete in the matter.

In retrospect I realize that the defeat of the wild animals became just the opportunity that David needed to be prepared for his ultimate destiny. Were he to not gain Godly confidence, courage and faith through defeating those animals he would have never been ready to face his giant. If he quit, he would have ultimately missed the plan of God and would never have been able to become King.I’m realizing that lions and bears are necessary to propel me into the next level that God has for me. Thank you for helping me to defeat them. Day by day I am experiencing victories and I can sense it, I can taste it, I can smell it in the air...victory is at hand!

Monday, September 29, 2008

how can i keep from singing?
answer: i can't.


There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give
I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne.

What an awesome day you gave us yesterday. Four people came to know you in service right at the beginning. There's nothing that tops a day like that.

It's why we do what we do!

Worship was awesome. We had so much to be thankful for. God, you're so good.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

reminder



Saturday, September 27, 2008

heaven




Friday, September 26, 2008

fun friday gratitude


Thursday, September 25, 2008

hello i love you
won't you tell me your name?


Wonderful

Counselor

Mighty God

Everlasting father

Prince of peace.

Just need to be reminded.

That's who you are in my life...today...everyday.

Thank you for being a strong tower I can run into, where I'm safe.

I love you.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

is it even possible?


"I love God. It's His so called followers I have a hard time with."

If I've heard this once I've heard it a thousand times. And yes, I've often felt that way myself.

God, I don't know what the answer to this one is. When I tell people about you or I am trying to woo prodigals back to you, all I know is, this is the main thing that gets in the way most times.

What do I say to a person like this who I...agree with many times? If they catch me on a really bad day sometimes I wanna say, "you're absolutely right...so let's just forget about this whole thing we call "the church" and go out and love Jesus on our own."

There are periods of time where the only real pure connection I have with you without having to get beyond a bunch of stuff, is while I'm on my bike, walking, or laying in my bed. I don't have to wade through a bunch of doo-doo in order to get to you and see you clearly. I think, "if only it were always this simple..." but it's not and you have specifically told us, we do need each other and we do need the church. Why does the church often make it so hard for people to get to you? I'll never understand it.

So I know that being a part of your family in a true sense is right, not just for others but for me too. But there are many days I can't help but agree (inside my head) with the unbelievers or ex-believers who talk to me.

I've always been one who wants to change the world. What's so hard about this issue is that I don't know if it's possible in a sense of sweeping change. I don't know that millions of your followers aren't always going to screw up no matter how much people passionately implore them not to, and make millions of people want nothing to do with you. Could one person really bring about that kind of change? Could even 100 people really ever make a dent in it? I don't know.

I'm trying to be one individual who makes a difference but it feels like a mountain that is impossible to move, and many days I feel dumb for trying. I know I'm not alone. I am not the Psalmist in scripture saying, "help Lord, for the godly are no more..." I know there are many Godly people. Our problem in Christianity is that there are just as many in the church who aren't. Sometimes the Godly truly are at the very least outnumbered. Is it unrealistic thinking that we can actually make a difference and convince people that despite the pathetic actions of a large majority of the body of Christ, this journey of community is still worth it? We know YOU'RE worth it, but is community worth it? That is the nagging question.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

if you could just give me a sign...

ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

really, can't you make it a little easier?

Monday, September 22, 2008

psalm 63


Tara posted this on her blog yesterday. It's from the Message Bible translation and it ministered to me so much.

Psalm 63

A David Psalm, When He Was out in the Judean Wilderness

1 God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you! I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,traveling across dry and weary deserts.

2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains. I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

5-8 I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy; I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises! If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Because you've always stood up for me, I'm free to run and play. I hold on to you for dear life,and you hold me steady as a post.

9-11 Those who are out to get me are marked for doom, marked for death, bound for hell. They'll die violent deaths; jackals will tear them limb from limb. But the king is glad in God; his true friends spread the joy, While small-minded gossips are gagged for good."

So Lord, I figure as with all of your word, we can stand on this...

claim it...

believe it...

settle our hearts on it...

thank you in advance now for breakthrough...

so should I start now start preparing for prime rib and gravy?

thanks jesus


Sunday, September 21, 2008

Take us


Listening right now...to Rita Springer...preparing for church ~

All I need to do is worship
All I need to do is say His name out loud
All I need to do is lift my hands, surrender and bow down
All I need to do is find Him
All I need to do is let His presence
fall
All I need to do is worship...worship the Lord

I'm counting on it. I know if I can just get in your presence, and if I can just get the people there, anything is possible.

"He took Peter and John and James, and went up into a mountain to pray, and as he prayed, the fashion of his countenance was altered, and his raiment was white and glistering... they saw his glory" (Luke 9:29, 32).

"If I have found grace in thy sight, show me thy glory" (Exod. 33:13).

Take us Lord, take us to the mountain and show us your glory. I've had enough of the valley for a while and truly it is time for us to stand on your mountain and declare your glory.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

diamond girl...you sure do shine

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
~ Peter Marshall

You're reminding me

in many different ways

I'm becoming an oak

I'm becoming a diamond

How exciting to be chosen. Everything is about focus, isn't it?

Larry always prays, "God do something so big in my life that everyone will have no doubt that it's you. I'm learning that sometimes you have to get us to a place of desperation so that when you do the miracle, it will be undeniable that your hand is on us...unmistakable that it is your touch that has made the way.

p.s. please keep your hand on that "lamb" I mentioned the other night that I'm concerned about. They are wandering. And there is nothing more I can do. Lord, my eyes are completely on you. It really doesn't get any easier to see them go astray, does it? How do you do it? Um, yeah...that's right...you're God. But you still cry...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

performing nightly

ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

Thanks for your help. Couldn't do it without you.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sheep


Does worrying about sheep ever stop? Okay...not worry. I'll call it, "concern". Worry is a sin. Concern is spiritual...right?

I know I'm not supposed to worry but I do get overly concerned about certain sheep.

A shepherd's job is not 9-5, and we don't clock in and clock out. Yeah, we get a weekly "day off" aside from emergencies, but really, we are still on at a moment's notice and the shepherd's heart never just goes away. It's not the type of thing you can turn on and off, and really, would you want to? Well, I guess some do and that is what separates the shepherds from the hirelings.

Lord, you know there's there's one sheep, well actually I'd call them a lamb...and I am really concerned about them. I'm forever trying to corral them back in the pen, back into the light of your truth and away from the darkness that beckons them all the time. I don't know why they keep going back to that filth. They have so much going for them but they just can't see it. Every time they come back a total mess, I have to gently help them clean off all the junk they've been rolling around in. It does get tiring however I care so much about them, I'd go just about anywhere to rescue them and each time they are getting cleaned up, I'm just glad they are back in the fold, and I breathe a sigh of relief and pray it's the last time.

I have a disconcerting feeling right now that this time won't be the last time...but I want to believe. Right now I am believing that you, the great shepherd can speak to them, get ahold of them and give them an unforgettable revelation of your everlasting love. I love them so much...but it's nothing compared to your incredible love.

Please Lord, just give this lamb a glimpse of their destiny. Let them see the potential that I see. More than that, let them see themself the way you see them. I know once they get a taste of that, they will never be the same.

Thank you, Jesus. (I'm counting on you...)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

tired

God,

Do you get weary of cleaning up your family's messes too?

How do you cope with it? Do you just tell yourself that you're God?

(That won't work for me. I tried it back in 1989...didn't go over so well.)

Monday, September 15, 2008

you need to remind me

ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

of who I am because I keep forgetting.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Saturday, September 13, 2008

i eat pit bull for lunch


I have experienced something very dynamic this afternoon. A revelation from you -- huge revelation, and then a Holy Ghost filled prayer time that I truly believe shook the gates of hell and made the enemy want to puke.

I got mad. And that was all it took. Maybe that's what you were waiting for? Seriously, is that all you have been waiting for? If it's true than I feel really stupid and will make a note of it for next time.

Today I talked to a few of my spiritual children as well as a pastor friend or two. I just became fed up with what the enemy has put on some of God's children. And something rose up within me.

I read a story once of a mother who was pushing a baby in a stroller and all of a sudden a pit bull ran up and started growling at the baby and was going to attack it. Two men in the distance saw it but were not up close enough to do anything in time. One said to the other, "what do you think is going to happen?" The one said to the other, "I feel sorry for that pit bull."

When a Momma gets mad, look out.

This Momma got mad today. It was nothing with my natural children -- they're fine for this moment. It was my spiritual children. I realize some of them are under severe pressure and the enemy thought he had his way but he underestimated this mother.

What a rich time we had today, you and me, God. You know all about it but I wanted to journal it here so I could look back and remember and say, "that was the day!" I need to remember - September 13, 2008. This is really a significant day in my life.

I called a few people, spoke a strategic word into their life, and called down strongholds right there on the phone. I felt the power of God in such a strong way. Then I got off the phone, and started singing, shouting (my house was empty although they wouldn't think I was crazy...I'm known for stuff like this...they probably wouldn't blink.) I began singing, "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, they are mighty through the Holy Ghost" and making declarations over people's lives and then you directed me to get out the church directory and call every single name in prayer, cover them with the blood of Jesus and cancel every assignment against them. Then I went on to take out our declaration for 2008 and I pulled it off of the refigerator and shouted it in the enemy's face. And standing there in my kitchen I rebuked the devourer and I shouted, "YOU HAVE MADE THIS MOTHER ANGRY, AND YOU NEED TO BE SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I just went through my house singing, shouting and praising God until I felt a breakthrough in the spirit.

You know what I think I just realized (don't know why I forgot it - other than the fact that the enemy WANTS me to forget it) but the devil wants the spiritual father and mother of the church to be spiritually incapacitated because he knows when they get mad and start to war on behalf of their children he's in serious trouble.

What's the difference between a spiritual mother and a pit bull? One's alive and one's in the frying pan getting ready to be eaten for lunch.

Idiot satan (I don't ever give you the satisfaction of capitalizing your name), I cancel every single one of your lame assignments against my children both natural and spiritual and call them null and void. I loose the power of God into every one of them and their situations, and call forth their destinies unhindered! I cancel every single one of your evil assignments against pastors, pastor's wives, and churches. I send you back to hell where you came from, and every one of your machinations are exposed now, in Jesus name. David prayed, "Let God arise, let His enemies be scattered"! And so I pray, "Let God arise, let His enemies absolutely be eaten for lunch." (Put some Sonny's Sizzlin' Sweet BBQ on mine so I can enjoy it even more....thank you very much.)

i'm just a cling on


Walking through the darkness of the past few months, I've felt closer to you than ever. In the natural, when we are walking in darkness and we have someone with us, we typically hold on to them or use them to help us find our way. As a kid when I was in Missionettes, we would have sleepovers at the church. In the middle of the night we would be walking through the dark hallways and classrooms, scared out of our minds, and I remember holding on tightly to friends, saying, 'don't leave me' and vice versa.

Sometimes I still feel like that girl wandering through the hallways of the church only I'm grown up now or at least I'm trying to. I'm finding that now with you, I'm still walking through darkness at times but it's different. In contrast to others, you don't stumble. When I cling to you, I don't fall, I just get scared of the uncertainty of the dark. I'm trying not to let it get to me so much anymore...all the dang uncertainty.

I don't know how to do it on my own, that whole ridding myself of anxiety thing. In fact, I've given up trying to do it on my own. I know it's a thing that only comes through your grace and power. And sometimes I'm ashamed to say it but I need a friend to talk me into it. Thanks for not giving up on me when I'm still that immature.

I was reading the blog of a pastor friend, David, the other day and he had a post about being free and forgetting about all our securities and comforts and realizing they never meant anything anyway. I never quite thought about it the way he put it, but it's really true. All along there has really been nothing sure but you anyway -- I just had an illusion that there were sure things.

I'm clinging on, so please just keep holding me tight.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

frequent question