Saturday, September 13, 2008

i'm just a cling on

Walking through the darkness of the past few months, I've felt closer to you than ever. In the natural, when we are walking in darkness and we have someone with us, we typically hold on to them or use them to help us find our way. As a kid when I was in Missionettes, we would have sleepovers at the church. In the middle of the night we would be walking through the dark hallways and classrooms, scared out of our minds, and I remember holding on tightly to friends, saying, 'don't leave me' and vice versa.

Sometimes I still feel like that girl wandering through the hallways of the church only I'm grown up now or at least I'm trying to. I'm finding that now with you, I'm still walking through darkness at times but it's different. In contrast to others, you don't stumble. When I cling to you, I don't fall, I just get scared of the uncertainty of the dark. I'm trying not to let it get to me so much anymore...all the dang uncertainty.

I don't know how to do it on my own, that whole ridding myself of anxiety thing. In fact, I've given up trying to do it on my own. I know it's a thing that only comes through your grace and power. And sometimes I'm ashamed to say it but I need a friend to talk me into it. Thanks for not giving up on me when I'm still that immature.

I was reading the blog of a pastor friend, David, the other day and he had a post about being free and forgetting about all our securities and comforts and realizing they never meant anything anyway. I never quite thought about it the way he put it, but it's really true. All along there has really been nothing sure but you anyway -- I just had an illusion that there were sure things.

I'm clinging on, so please just keep holding me tight.

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