Wednesday, February 3, 2010

if they knew

I used to think, "Perhaps my family doesn't know how much it takes me into the depths of depression to have a messy house."

There is  no "perhaps" to this now.

I realize there is NO WAY they realize it because if they did they would be wishing me dead.  And I know my family doesn't want me to die.

I often wonder if there is any other woman who gets as upset as me when things are messy that they have sometimes prayed for God to take them straight to heaven when they gaze upon a mess.  I mean, seriously, it sends me into a state of mind that is terrible.  I just want to cover up my head and go back to sleep and not get out of bed, or I want to go to heaven and never see another pile of anything again.

 Right now I have an overwhelming amount of work ahead of me.  I was working so hard for our church launch that I had to let things at home go except for "essentials" and even sometimes those didn't get done.  Right now I'm working through room by room to get things clean again.  It feels like a huge obstacle in my path.  I am excited about the church but dread waking up to this each day knowing that it's in front of me.  

I am not even sure if anyone reads this blog anymore, it's just a little side one that I do once and again and I don't really care that anyone is reading it...this is just sort of cathartic for me to write it out.  But if anyone IS reading it, please pray for me. 

I got my bathroom cleaned for the first time in weeks tonight (finally at 1:19 am).  It takes me over an hour to clean it properly the way it needs to be done.  Now I will wake up to all of the other rooms tomorrow and no time to do them with work/church.    It takes everything in me not to cry the whole way to work when I wake up to this mess. 
If they knew, they would not contribute to the mess, and it would  not be trivial.  I know they care about me too much to do that...they just don't understand .


Melissa said...

I do read it and I am praying for you! I totally understand the mess thing! Being sick for 2 days and having sick kids has put my whole house in a downward spin. Love you and praying!

LaDonna said...

I understand how you feel. It drives me nuts when our house is a wreck! I've learned to delegate to my girls. Perhaps, you can do that with your children?

I'm sure you do this already. I figure if they help mess it up, by George they can help clean it up! and of course to mama's standards too!

Aaron said...

Hey I still read. I know how some things are seen as not such a big deal. In your mind it's like a stab in the back with a twist added in. You start to think negatively and the world seems like a place you don't want to be in anymore. Depression tries to fight it's way back in.
The days are near where your time at home will be enough to do things right. So hang on, this torture won't last much longer!

Touching India said...

Stumbled across your blog - praying for you. I serve in Asia (I am american) - remember He called us fruitful work - it diesn't say there is a reward fro heard work but for fruitful work. I have often been in the position even asking the Lord why - work-work taking me from other ministry - and sleep! and time with Him!! I once bought the book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World - I never had time to read it!! Ha!! But know this -- He values your time with Him above all else you do, and His yoke is easy. when we think there is no way but for us to stretch ourselves beyond the possible we have to let Him take it - hard I know but He willhelp you let go -- either let you accept it isn't as clean as you need it to be (in Asia on a tiny budget had to give up on that altogether - NOTHING is ever clean at all!!!! Miracle I use my own bathroom!!) or pray He sends help -- family, church or outside to relieve some of the burden! Thanks for your blog!!